I present to you: 20 Questions they ask you when joining the (cult) Church of Scientology.
Have you driven anyone insane?
Other than my mother? Umm... probably my wife, and maybe a few other people, but so far they've all recovered...
Have you ever killed the wrong person?
As I haven't killed anyone, uh... no. What kind of question is that? The wrong person? As a pacifist I can't say as I think there is a right person to kill...
Is anybody looking for you?
Have you ever set a poor example?
More often than I'd care to admit.
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Are you in hiding?
You're really making this game of hide and seek less fun than it was before you got here!
Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes, I keep a blog with minimal personal information.
Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes -- there have been times when I believed the most effective way for me to follow Paul's advice to be "all things to all people," was to avoid stating my position on controversial matters.
Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes... philosophy causes far less sweat and back strain!
Have you ever gone crazy?
There was this one time when I was working on the supply train for the French army and caught something that gave me an awful fever, so I crawled into a brick oven... oh, wait, that was Descartes! I always get confused by that sort of thing...
Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Umm... please see the previous question.
Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Only by imitating Peter in the courtyard of the high-priest's house... but that's more than enough for a resounding Yes.
Have you ever smothered a baby?
What is wrong with you people? Have you ever considered that questions like this might be why people don't trust you?
Do you deserve to have any friends?
Why don't you ask the ones I have? My guess is their answer would be "on the whole, yeah."
Have you ever castrated anyone?
No, no, no, no, no... And eeww!
Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Please see the answer to the question about smothering babies -- OK, I'm convinced, you people are nuts.
Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
That one about castration... Eeww!
Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Have you ever zapped anyone?
Frequently in childhood -- I'll admit it, I was a sci-fi geek once... well, maybe I still am from time to time.
Darnit! You heard about the gerbil! I could've sworn the hamsters would've kept their mouths shut! Who would believe a bunch of rodents who claim to have syphillis anyway? You people have issues!